Learning To Receive
Like so many strong and independent women, I seriously struggle when it comes to receiving gifts, support, celebration, and acknowledgement. Sometimes, I like to blame my strong Cancer/Libra nature, but that’s a copout and a sign of unhealed aspects of those signs (but it feels GOOD to have a get-out-of-jail-free card sometimes, am I right!?).
My birthday is the best example of this. Every year, my family, close friends, and I go through this song and dance of me trying to skip past the topic of “What do you want to do for your birthday!?” These people who love me end up walking on eggshells, trying to approach it without spooking me while I get the biggest pit in my stomach because even the thought of it makes me cringe. I would rather do ANYTHING else than celebrate my birthday. The biggest blessing came in 2020 when my first nephew was born on my birthday (which I also share with my stepbrother AND Jessica Simpson; JS is inconsequential here, but I’ve always loved that for us). So, I let everyone know that, henceforth, July 10th would be my nephew’s day. The best way to honour me would be to celebrate him and leave me out of it.
Much to my dismay, in 2021, no one listened to my decree. Instead, it was business as usual, except my nephew was leveraged against me. It was celebrating all three of us (nephew, stepbrother, and me… Sorry, Jessica Simpson!) or nothing. I gave in. I decided to book my blood donation on the morning of July 10, 2021, so I could head to my nephew’s house for our family's birthday BBQ lunch. I had my fastest draining time (to this day, it’s still my record), and on the drive home, I realized that I’d been such an ass about my birthday. I love to celebrate the people in my life, including their birthdays. And that’s all that’s happening, the people in my life want to celebrate me because they love me and by me resisting it, I’m robbing them of something that makes them happy.
Cut to the end of June 2023. I was on a catch-up call with my long-distance best friend and “came clean” with her about marketing my services and my business. It can feel uncomfortable something to do because it feels like shameless self-promotion, and sometimes I overthink these things. She called me out for not letting people support me and said I needed to get over myself and invite people in. My business is all about helping people first and foremost. A few days later, I got a call from my stepmom asking if I would be interested in attending this incredible conference that November because she and my dad wanted to get me a VIP pass for my birthday. I responded, “I’ve been eyeing up that conference and would love to go, but you guys are insane, and that’s WAY too much for a birthday gift.” She replied, “No, it’s not, and if you want to go, we’re sending you.”
Cue the second layer of this epiphany: You don’t get to decide what makes people feel good, what is too much for them, or control them or make decisions for them in any way. You’re only limiting your value.
The crux of my birthday avoidance lies in my aversion to receiving. I’m a nurturer by nature and have been a caretaker for as long as I can remember. I am most comfortable when I’m in the driver’s seat. I’m a leader. That has meant showing up for everyone around me, being a problem solver, celebrating my team, being a mama bear to my friends and family, etc. It’s meant putting everyone above me and keeping my needs or wants blurred in the background. There’s also a childhood lesson deep in my DNA about needing to be a “strong, independent woman who doesn’t need a man” that overtime evolved into not needing anyone. To be honest, it’s also tied to a fear of co-dependence. All trauma-informed which is why it’s so important to do the work to heal your inner child and inner teenager!
Anyway, we’ll get deeper into THAT later.
Even though I KNOW an excellent leader needs to lean on support systems, delegate, empower, etc., and I’m excellent at helping my clients and others see these blindspots and create paths to resolution, I haven’t UNDERSTOOD the impacts in my own life.
I had a little “Come to Jesus” moment with myself. It’s more than just robbing my people of the happiness they get from celebrating me. It’s a deep-rooted pain point in my life that needs healing. If I don’t, I will try to live on an isolated island, and that’s not how humans are wired.
I have big things to accomplish in this lifetime, and I know that I cannot achieve them alone. Heck, working in collaboration with others is even woven throughout my human design and astrology! My need for healing in this area could not be more evident than if a giant neon blinking sign dropped in front of my face. So that’s exactly what I’ve been doing. And I’m proud to say it’s going pretty darn well (though uncomfortable at times).
This begs the question: how do I start to heal my aversion to receiving support?
Name it and own it. I’m not proud of this part of my life but I’m not about to beat myself up about it either. I’m simply recognizing that my desire for independence + capability has swung a little too far into unhealthy territory.
Bring awareness to when I feel the urge to resist support / celebration / acknowledgement / gifts / etc. This is an unconscious part of who I am, which means it runs on autopilot. When someone presents me with to receive, my system is cued to respond with resistance. Now that I’m aware of that, I can tell when my programmed response is going to kick in so I can either get ahead of it or reign it in so I can choose a different response.
Be consistent with challenging myself to experience something different. This is way out of my comfort zone so it’s not easy for me. I do not like it. I do not enjoy it. I’m not having a good time with it. BUT, I know that it’s for my highest good and the good of everyone around me. So I’m challenging myself to stretch and practice receiving. Sometimes even with grace!
Recap how I feel and what happened when I do receive. Doing this teaches me that nothing bad happened (things are actually much easier, who would’ve known!?). I also get to see my process and how I can adjust to improve for next time.
We can do hard things. We can make shifts in our life that improve our quality of living. We don’t have to accept discounts on how we experience life.
So if you find yourself settling, ask yourself “for what purpose?” And “do I want more?”
You deserve the best but more importantly, it’s available for you. You just have to have the courage to go for it.
And that’s that on that!
If this resonated with you and you’re ready to explore and heal, book a 15-minute consultation call! We’ll chat about what’s going on for you, the results you’re looking for, and how we can work together to get you there!